Recent eventualities

I guess I always meant to do this blog regularly, but with Cyclopean to document, I have really meant to keep this updated more than I have. Must remedy that (he says with good intentions but little conviction).

The following, of course, is written after too much wine.

I got a new job - yay! I am the front man of an agency that employs people to work with kids - that is all I will say for now. (The fullness of it is not very interesting, just more complicated). I have been working my ass off getting it up and running, we went online last week, and it has been HECTIC. I am under stress.

Curiously it has also been a very positive time, because I am enjoying the work, can see it going somewhere positive, and while the money will not be that much better, it will be more stable work with the opportunity of extra weekend stuff, so better income than I was on. I have had a lot of bills lately for reasons some of you (the ToEE folks) know, and while that 'expensive' part of my life is over, there is still a lot to be paid for it. I feel good that I will have a stronger income in the future, I feel it is downright God-sent. I literally prayed for a new job, and this just fell into my lap.

And yet...

Last Friday - the final day before the company went live, after I had been slaving for a couple weeks to get it up and running - one of the other staff there asked me what I was doing this weekend. I said, (in a period of stress) "I am going home to have a good cry".

This did not satisfy her question, but it was how I felt.

Anyways, I didn't. I worked on the weekend as well and did some of what the psychologists call 'avoidance'. That is to say, I did surface shit to avoid other things. I watched videos and such - classic uplifting ones like 'Roadhouse Prophets' - love that movie! - newer ones like 'The Hurt Locker' (very disappointed. See the Wikipedia section 'Response among veterans': as wonderfully filmed and acted as this was, they can't honestly expect us to believe trained soldiers under orders behave like this?)

The problem is: I don't know what I am avoiding. As well as a new job which puts a light at the end of the tunnel, the kids trust fund (so to speak) is going great guns, and I recently came across some other financially positive stuff that makes me very hopeful in general (we are not crushed by debt, or any such thing, just coming out of a rough patch).

Of course, things are not helped by the fact I miss my wife and kids, who are overseas. I miss my kids like friggin' oxygen, I mean I used to sneak home from work to see Arianna because I hated going those few hours of a day without her. But this is something deeper. I can't explain it.

I have been praying more lately, I have been getting stuff done around the house, but mostly I have been coming home tired and looking for distractions to amuse me til I can get to bed and get some sleep.

And here we are a week later. The first week of the company up and running went better than I expected, but was still very hectic: but we stayed on top of it. Next week, when the staff expect to get paid, will be another issue again ;-)

Yet...

I got home from work - didn't get out of the office til 7pm, but got the work done in the end. The boss rang me on the bus home to say I didn't have to get up at 6am to go cover a shift, so I finally get to sleep in (albeit the 7 hours at Saturday rates was worth getting up for). There's Friday Night footy on the TV, I get to make whatever I like for dinner (fish, of course), put my feet up, enjoy the coming weekend, maybe even get some work on Cyclopean or KotB done.

But I am not happy.

I'm not 'in a bad place' or anything like that. Just not happy.

And the reason, I truly do believe, is I need a good cry.

I've never been a cryer. I'm not some mucho f***er wh thinks badly of it: I'm just a bloke who has never been able to do it.

There are times like this in my life when I have felt very emotional and I have felt that need for an emotional release. I think women are very sensible in that, when they are overwhelmed by emotion, they cry, they let it out, they do something about it. Some men (such as me) don't. Its not a decision, or refusal, or judgment, we just don't.

I wish I could. Always have.